Book 8

	Muraki's Mom: My son is like a beautiful little porcelain doll! It rubs the lotion on its skin.
	Muraki: NOW YOU SEE WHERE I GET IT FROM.
	Oriya: You sure do love dead babies, Muraki!
	Muraki: Well, we all have our favorite foods. Say, could you do me a favor and use these keycards to distract the shinigami who'll be coming to kill me shortly?
	Oriya: ...
	Muraki: Thanks! By the way, remember that time we killed my mom? Wasn't that a hoot? Ha ha! Well, gotta go!
	Oriya: I need to meet some new people. Maybe I should take up kayaking.
	Watari: Hey, I found out some horrible stuff about Professor Satomi's research! Looks like he's been cloning pieces of people!
	Tatsumi: Pieces, eh? That's even worse than cloning whole people! ...For some reason. Say, did you just hear part of the building explode?
	Watari: Bet you five bucks it's Tsuzuki?
	Tatsumi: Not a chance.
	Suzaku: HAVING MADE TSUZUKI FLIP OUT, I WILL NOW KEEP ANYONE HELPFUL FROM GOING NEAR HIM. THIS PLAN IS FLAWLESS.
	Watari: ...so why exactly is Tsuzuki licking a severed head?
	Tatsumi: Hopefully talking a bunch of nonsense about reliving past memories will cover the fact that I have no freaking clue.
	Hisoka: And I arrive on the scene just in time for a convenient flashback to five minutes ago!
	Centipede Mariko: I am full of rage! The author is too lazy to make my centipede self a new icon!
	Suzaku: Hang on, Tsuzuki, I brought a shoe.
	Tsuzuki: No! Bad bird! No corn for you!
	Centipede Mariko: Why are you being so mean? I just want to lay eggs in his head. ;_;
	Suzaku: ONLY I MAY LAY EGGS IN HIS HEAD!
	Maid: Uh... Lord Enma? I don't mean to bother you, but there are like a bunch of summons running around tearing shit up?
	Enma: Is it Mardi Gras already? And me without my doubloons.
	Muraki: ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI -- oh wait
	Watari: ...wait a minute. How did Muraki get into the land of the dead, past the angry momma phoenix barbecuing everyone who gets close, get Tsuzuki, and get him out?
	Muraki: The power of feathers, my good sir. Now UP UP AND AWAAAAAY!
	Hisoka: So now Muraki's stolen Tsuzuki, Satomi is dead, I've been in a coma for three days and even less goddamn help to anyone than I normally am, OKAY, I GIVE UP, I'M GOING TO GO BECOME AN ACCOUNTANT.
	Tatsumi: Kurosaki-kun! Accountancy is never the answer! Unless of course, you are fascinated by that seductive temptress, the double-entry book-keeping system. And if you were, well, who could blame you?
	Hisoka: ...Oh yeah, that's right, I hate math. Well, I guess I better go save Tsuzuki then. Without math!!
	Watari: Yeah! Fuck math!
	Tatsumi: single tear, down cheek.
	Muraki: Iiiiiiiit's gropin' time! :D :D :D
	Tsuzuki: Well, here I am in my subconscious again. What are you up to, creepy younger version of me?
	Little Tsuzuki: I'm pruning buds off these roses! As metaphorically as possible, of course.
	Tsuzuki: Uh-huh. But I feel sorry for the poor cut buds, since I'm weird.
	Little Tsuzuki: Well, you're one to talk. For you are also... A GARDENER!!
	Tsuzuki: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
	Muraki: Aw, bad dreams, Tsuzuki? Here, let me get you a glass of warm milk and cut your throat a few times.
	Muraki: And expound on my evil plan to staple my dead half-brother's head to your body and kill him over and over and over again until I get tired of it! And then maybe put him in a French maid costume. ...or possibly just do that to start. MAN, I'M SUCH A GENIUS. I GOTTA GO GET A LATTE.
	Saki: BABY THIS VAT IS WHERE IT'S AT
	Muraki: I thought I told you to stop rapping!!
	Oriya: Hello, I will be your mini-boss for the evening. Our special tonight is strategically vital keycards with a side order of whupass.
	Hisoka: I hate fetch quests.
	Oriya: Now easy there, Negative Nelly, you can't beat Muraki with hate. He is totally better at hate than you. He was captain of the varsity hating team three years in a row. Won the championship for Hateville High!
	Hisoka: Oh yeah? Well, I'm the undefeated champion of the tri-county bleeding competition! If you're in the first five rows, you will get wet!
	Oriya: That's the spirit!
	Muraki: Speaking of which, Heady McHeadensevered, remember when you first came to live with me? There were no backgrounds, for some reason. But then, YOU STOLE EVERYTHING FROM ME! THE BON JOVI, THE DURAN DURAN, AND THE TIFFANY!! I WILL NOT LET YOU REST UNTIL YOU'VE RETURNED MY BEST OF THE EIGHTIES CASSETTE TAPES TO ME!
	Saki: I seriously have no idea what he's talking about, you guys.
	Muraki: AND STOP TALKING, YOU HAVE NO VOCAL CORDS!
	Tsuzuki: why does he always have to laugh maniacally when I'm TRYING to SLEEP
	Oriya: Well, kid, you may be awesome at bleeding, but you still basically suck at everything else.
	Hisoka: Ow, my arteries. No, wait! I also have feelings! And... some feathers and shit! And I think they might be glowing!
	Oriya: ...all right, take the keycards, you're making me really uncomfortable. Bye now, have fun killing my best friend!
	Hisoka: Don't worry, we will!
	Oriya: ...I wonder where you buy a kayak?
	Tsuzuki: SQUISH
	Muraki: Who the god DAMN hell stabs a man at the espresso machine?!
	Tsuzuki: I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR CAFFEINE!
	Tatsumi: Nice top secret laboratory he's got here. Can you find Tsuzuki, Kurosaki-kun?
	Hisoka: Yeah, I can feel the stupid even from here.
	Tsuzuki: I don't like you! Or me! But I can think of a good solution for both these problems!
	Matsushita-sensei: A PAUSE TO NOTE. The author of this parody is kind of a big girl and in spite of everything this part still makes her go A BLOO BLOO BLOO BLOO. Therefore, she has chosen to address this problem... by presenting the following scene entirely in limerick form!
	Hisoka: Uh, Tsuzuki's summoned a snake, And I think he's about to get baked.
	Tatsumi: ...He's going to smoke up?
	Hisoka: No, blow himself up. We should get there before it's too late.
	Muraki: I guess I must pay for my wrongs -- Oh, wait, there's my feathers! So long!
	Tsuzuki: Less talky, more burny!
	Touda: I need an attorney.
	Hisoka: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU DONG?
	Tatsumi: Kurosaki-kun, don't go in there! Touda's flames could burn you beyond repair.
	Hisoka: But Tsuzuki --
	Tatsumi: Knows. But that's how it goes. Letting him die will show that I care! If he's really so broken-hearted --
	Watari: UHHHHH, NO, YOU ARE BEING RETARDED.
	Hisoka: You two go a few bouts, I'll be getting him out.
	Tsuzuki: HEY SNAKEY, WE'RE JUST GETTING STARTED! Come on, you know what to do.
	Hisoka: WORLD'S MOST INEFFECTIVE RESCUE! You still want to die? Well, then, so will I!
	Tsuzuki: You owe me five bucks.
	Hisoka: Shut up, you.
	Narration: And then the whole building crashed down, and the fire burned most of the town. And the unlucky pair who had been in its snare --
	Tatsumi: I went into the shadows and pulled them both out of the fire in the nick of time. ... The end.
	Oriya: Well, looks like Muraki's dead. But wasting seafood is always in season!
	Watari: Hi, Tsuzuki! You're not dead! Well, you are dead, but not deader, if you catch my drift.
	Tsuzuki: Oh. That's, that's cool, I guess. ...I dunno, I've had a lot of painkillers, I'm pretty much cool with anything.
	Everybody in the Office: WE LOVE YOU, TSUZUKI! :D :D :D oh yeah and we got nothing against hisoka
	Tatsumi: Will cutting an apple adorably for you make you forgive me for not letting you kill yourself?
	Tsuzuki: You know it!
	Konoe: That was a real good thing you done, Tatsumi. I reckon this farm'll be yours afore too long, you done your granpappy real proud.
	Tsuzuki: What's up, Hisoka? You're looking even more shoujo than usual.
	Hisoka: Yeah, well, remember how I've got a bunch of Muraki-detector scars all over me?
	Tsuzuki: ...no!
	Hisoka: Well, I do, and he's still alive. Though probably covered in feathers, which I guess we can hope made him sneeze.
	Tsuzuki: Yes... you're right. We'll find him and defeat him... THROUGH ALLERGIES!
	Moon: AND THEN I CRASHED INTO THE EARTH AND KILLED EVERYBODY oh wait.
	Matsushita-sensei: WHO LIKES TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATELY TIMED BODY-SWITCHING SIDESTORIES??
	Audience: ...
	Matsushita-sensei: I KNOW, RIGHT??
	Watari: She'll get tired of this joke someday. ...no, she really never will.
	Moon: REIGN OF TERROR, I TELL YOU!
	Audience: ...can we go now?
	Matsushita-sensei: ...yeah, okay.