Book 5

	Dream Muraki: Well, it's like I've always said: you can't really start a book off on a higher note than with a PROPOSAL OF GAY MARRIAGE.
	Tsuzuki: But ... but marriage is a sacred and time-honored institution between a man and a woman! And I don't even know how you got in my room! And I don't think you've ever said that before!
	Muraki: Oh, shush and take a cigar. I mean rose.
	Tatsumi: I AM HERE TO SAVE THE DAY! And by 'save the day,' I mean 'prove that my other major skill is sodomy-related acupuncture for hire.'
	Tsuzuki: ...but you said you only did that in college!!
	Muraki: ROSES ARE A METAPHOR FOR YOUR BUTT
	Tsuzuki: LIKE I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT FROM A FRENCH ROMANTIC POET BEFORE. Oh, phew, it was all a dream... OR WAS I--oh jesus deformed butler on my morning wood
	Watson: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMAN
	Tatsumi: You're late again, Tsuzuki!
	Tsuzuki: Yeah, well, I, um... I... ... OKAY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY THE RABBITS ATE YOUR SAUSAGE AND YOU HAD TO APPEAR BEFORE THE UNITED NATIONS! ...oh, wait, that was the other dream. YOU'RE ALSO MEAN AND GREEDY AND YOU'RE TERRIBLE AT SODOMY ACUPUNCTURE!
	Everyone: ..........................
	Tatsumi: ...yeeeeeeeeeeeeah, he does that sometimes.
	Hisoka: And now if nobody minds I'll just insinuate that he's PMSing, which if nothing else proves that abuse is a cycle.
	Tatsumi: And I will kiss my fingers that I had near his mouth, and not a one of you will notice this. Isn't that right?
	Everyone: yessir
	Count: Welcome to my sakura-viewing party! By the way, just thought I'd mention for the plot I've been writing novels lately. By which I mean that I'm too lazy to write novels, so I basically just play the Feudal Sims a lot instead.
	Tatsumi: Oh, good thing you got more food on your face, Tsuzuki, now I can get in some extra finger-kissing later. Plus drop some awkward exposition about how we used to be dating partners. But then I broke up with you left you dumped you... oh, whatever, I give up.
	Tsuzuki: So... are you saying you hate me and wish I would die?!
	Tatsumi: ...Sure, that'll do.
	Tsuzuki: WAAAAAAAAAAAH YOU ARE SO MEAN THE COLOR OF YOUR BLOOD IS GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN!
	Everyone: ...
	Tsuzuki: YEAH, YOU HEARD ME!
	Tatsumi: ...Didn't you just run away?
	Tsuzuki: ...Yes. I certainly did.
	Hisoka: Boy, Tatsumi's kind of a cock, isn't he? ...I mean, uh... ... ... pass the tea?
	Tsuzuki: That is the third time I have run away in a fit of woe and gotten lost this week. Hey, look, candles! That represent the fleeting beauty of human lives that I will someday have to cruelly snatch away! ... ... ... I'm gonna make shadow puppets!!
	Tsuzuki: OR GET SUCKED INTO AN EVIL BOOK YOU KNOW WHATEVER.
	Hisoka: Why did you shudder just now, Tatsumi?
	Tatsumi: I don't know.
	Tsuzuki: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I'M FALLING TO MY DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATH or alternately oh shits I am in bed with a lady!
	A Lady, Who Looks Suspiciously Like Tsuzuki: Mm, good morning, Mr. Angel!
	Tsuzuki: oh god how drunk was I
	Hisoka: So, you wanna, like... go find Tsuzuki or something?
	Tatsumi: Well, the tea is rather watery.
	Lady: But you must be an angel! You fell out of the sky! The way that angels do. When they've been drinking.
	Tsuzuki: Right. Uh. Okay, look, I gotta get back to my world now, but... I'll totally call you.
	Not Konoe: I look like your boss, but I am actually the lady's father. And the Count has been playing the Sims using books. And you have just fallen into a book. In the Count's library. Where he would presumably keep his Sims-playing type books.
	Tsuzuki: ...look, is there something you're trying to tell me?
	Definitely Not Tatsumi: MADAM! DID THE RABBIT INJURE YOUR BREASTS?
	Tsuzuki: I wish I could say I'd never heard that from a French Romantic poet before.
	Probably Not The Count Either: Hello my beautiful darling -- Oh, wait, you're a man. ... ... Hot!
	Like Tsuzuki But A Lady: Oh, the lord tried to molest you too? Yeah, I owe him money and he's making me marry him, it's a thing.
	Tsuzuki: NO! I CAN'T! I MEAN YOU CAN'T! I MEAN. I better give you a name, this is confusing. Hey, how about I name you after my dead sister? I'm sure that won't be weird at all!
	Ruka: A name?! Wow! I'll treasure it forever! Assuming I can remember it.
	Tsuzuki: ...Yeah, that's me, all right.
	Young Master: Oh crap! The Count's book turned me into a woman too!
	Butler: No it didn't.
	Young Master: ...
	Alchemist: And I'm a spaz and occasionally vaguely sinister! So really nothing's changed.
	Tsuzuki: What's that you say? You can't stand the sight of me and you don't want to be partners anymore? Ha ha! Why didn't you say so?
	Tatsumi: Well, actually, I just --
	Tsuzuki: Oh, it's fine, don't worry about it! I get that all the time. Don't mind me, I'm just taking my pet straight razor and bundle of gauze for a walk to the utility closet.
	Tatsumi: That could have gone better.
	Tatsumi: I hear someone crying... it's my mother! No, wait, it's Tsuzuki! Oh, dear, I can only imagine what my therapist is going to have to say about this.
	Hisoka: Sorry, were you hallucinating something? I wasn't listening.
	Tsuzuki: Well, the coat's all right, I guess, but I still don't understand what the knee-garters are for.
	Ruka: To hold up the willyshingles, of course! Now let's talk about flowers while my father has a heart attack.
	Ruka's Father: erk
	Butler: In accordance with federal regulations, I have let down my hair before denying your loan application. Now take this very expensive ribbon and tie up your hair with it. It will look good, for it is very expensive. And can be sold for money.
	Merchant: Miss! Could I possibly purchase that very expensive ribbon you're wearing, as though it had been given to you apparently carelessly by a childhood friend with no other legal means of loaning you money?
	Ruka: Sure, whatever. I can't believe that bastard wouldn't give me any money! Man, what a jerk!
	Tsuzuki: Umm...
	Tsuzuki: Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't I make my summons do magic tricks to con the local, equally poor people out of their hard-earned money for you? I mean, I'm sure the gods of the cardinal directions don't have anything better to do.
	Byakko: Listen, before I jump through anything that's on fire, I think we need to have a discussion on the very important subject of treats.
	Tsuzuki: All right, all right. Just let me swat this irritating and yet somehow powerful beetle.
	Beetle: Foolish mortal! I am the god of these here Feudal Sims! Because what god wouldn't elect to take a form that's easily crushed with a rolled-up newspaper?
	Byakko: ...Well, he's got me there.
	Beetle: Also, you totally suck at this game. Get out of my book.
	Tsuzuki: Sure! How?
	Beetle: You can't. You're trapped here forever.
	Tsuzuki: OH NOES! I'LL NEVER SEE TATSUMI AGAAAAAAAAAIN AND THESE WILLYSHINGLES ITCH LIKE THE DICKENS!
	Ruka: Hi, angel! Why the long face?
	Tsuzuki: Well, see, the thing is, I'm actually not an angel, but a horrible guardian of death, and I can't get back to my horrible guardian of death type world, I'll probably get you killed and I think I'm developing some sort of a rash.
	Ruka: Silly! Angels and shinigami are the same thing! Like... amphibians and reptiles. My point is, have a flower.
	Tsuzuki: ... ...Am I really that stupid?
	Byakko: Ohhh yeah.
	Hisoka: Yeah, so anyway, Tatsumi, I was just wondering why you were totally LYING TO TSUZUKI about why you stopped being his partner earlier. Since, may I remind you, EMPATH, BITCH, PWNED.
	Tatsumi: ...
	Hisoka: ...oooooooor I could just take back everything I've said in the last year and a half and you could forget I exist. That's good too.
	Tatsumi: Well, you see, Tsuzuki reminds me of my mother. ...Any comments you'd like to make about that, Kurosaki-kun?
	Hisoka: NONE AT ALL SIR
	Tatsumi: My mother was a beautiful woman, royalty, eloped with my father, couldn't handle commoner life, cried a lot, and also I may have killed her. So you see, she's exactly like Tsuzuki. And that's why I stopped being his partner.
	Hisoka: I guess the sex probably was kind of weird.
	Tatsumi: Oh really? Why do you say that?
	Hisoka: ...anyway, I think you should probably tell Tsuzuki all of this, because he'd understand. Whereas I really have no fucking idea what you're talking about.
	Tatsumi: Fair enough. Oh, say, it seems like the Count's got Tsuzuki trapped in a book of some kind. I never would have expected that.
	Lord, You Know, The One In The Book: A plague? Oh, good! It's been so long since we've had a good plague.
	Butler: Plagues are bad, my lord.
	Lord: Damnation! Well, I think we could use a scapegoat for this. Or a sacrificial lamb. Some sort of animal that you kill. Possibly a pigeon, I don't know.
	Butler: A pigeon, ehhhh -- KILL THE STRANGER.
	Alchemist: At last I have completed my love potion!! You know, the one that's supposed to make that stupid girl fall in love with the Lord and marry him. For the plot. ...I could've sworn I'd mentioned this before.
	Young Master: Alchemist! My entire purpose in life in this AU is to keep my father from getting married! It's sort of creepy, actually. Can I buy that love potion off you instead?
	Alchemist: NO! Aww, heck, okay.
	Tsuzuki: Who's trying to kill me for what now?
	Ruka: Damn you, Butler! First you try to get me married off to the wealthy and powerful Lord to live in comfort for the rest of my days, then you covertly give me an expensive hair ribbon when I asked you to loan me money at impossibly high interest, now you try to kill the mysterious and possibly dangerous strange man who's become unaccountably close to me! You just hate me and never want me to be happy, don't you?!
	Butler: ...Fortunately for all concerned, there is a bug in the Feudal Sims that prevents sarcasm, or we might never get this straightened out.
	Beetle: Just thought I'd drop by at this point to inform you that all the characters in here, despite being all feudal and stuff, behave exactly like their real-world counterparts would.
	Tsuzuki: I'm sorry? I'm not following you.
	Beetle: So the Butler? The way he feels? It's the same way for the real Tatsumi, it has to be, it can't be any different.
	Tsuzuki: No, it's no good! I still don't get what you're saying to me!
	Beetle: TATSUMI LOVES YOU, SHIT FOR BRAINS.
	Tsuzuki: A BEETLE SAID IT, IT MUST BE TRUE!!
	Butler: Oh, it's you. Thanks for shouting like that, and die now.
	Tsuzuki: Tatsumi shot me!! Ah, this is just like that time in Singapore. And last Tuesday. Also, incidentally, ow.
	Hisoka: Okay, that's slightly more riddled with bullets than I generally like my partner. Can we get him out now?
	Watari: Hey, guys! Anything horrible happen to Tsuzuki while I was gone?
	Tatsumi: ...Well, I suppose stupid problems require stupider solutions.
	Lord: I'm so glad we're continuing the proud family wedding tradition of having the bride drugged.
	Butler: Ah, drugged and on the arm of a dirty old man you hate. I'm so glad I could finally give you happiness.
	Young Master: Wait just one second while I give my new mother my antidote. I mean... blessing.
	Tsuzuki: Now I've crashed a wedding riding a hippo, a trio of midgets, and a giant tiger! Now hand over that sedated hottie! ...No, the other one.
	Watari: There! I have drawn a picture of Tsuzuki! ...The stink lines were for my personal benefit. Now we just have to wait for the plot to wrap up, and he's out of there! By, uh, SCIENCE.
	Butler: Ruka will marry the horrible old man! You will not interfere with her happiness! I stab you!
	Tsuzuki: ...You sure do try to kill me a lot for being exactly like your real-world counterpart. Also your definition of happiness needs some work.
	Butler: Really? But who wouldn't take financial security over instability and poverty?
	Ruka: Somebody stupid, that's who. Now come getcher snuggles.
	Watari: Okay, that's about a wrap, from here on out it's just the boredom and disappointment. Out you come, Tsuzuki!
	Tsuzuki: Man, that was the worst book I've ever been in. ...oh... uh... hey, there, uh, Tatsumi.
	Tatsumi: ...Yes. Hello.
	Tsuzuki: ...yeah.
	Tatsumi: Allow me to distract you with the offer of pastries.
	Tsuzuki: Sweet!! ...They aren't, uh, poisoned, or anything, are they?
	Tatsumi: ...
	Tsuzuki: Just checking. Hey, you made my favorite tea, too! Somebody would almost think you loved me or something. Ha ha!
	Tatsumi: ...
	Tsuzuki: I'll just go back to work now shall I?
	Audience: OMG BUT AREN'T THEY GOING TO GET BACK TOGETHER NOW AND MAKE OUT AND STUFF?!!?!
	Tatsumi: ...
	Audience: we're sorry we'll never do it again
	Tatsumi: I love my job.