Book 4

	Konoe: You know, you'd think if we're going to choose our vacation spot by throwing a dart at a map of Japan, we'd get a map that, you know, includes more land than water. But then, you would be wrong.
	All: YAY HOKKAIDO WE LIKE FOOD!
	Tsuzuki: Say, Hisoka, you've never met the girls from Hokkaido, have you? Hee hee hee... I mean... um.
	Hisoka: ...
	Saya and Yuma: HI TSUZUKI OMG YOU MUST BE TSUZUKI'S NEW PARTNER YOU LOOK LIKE A PRETTY PRETTY GIRL ROFL WELL SEE YOU LATER!!!1
	Hisoka: ...Jesus fucking Christ what just happened and why does God hate me?
	Tsuzuki and Watari: YAY HOTEL! YAY FOOD! YAY BOOZE! YAY KARAOKE!!
	Hisoka: WOULD SOMEONE LIKE TO SHOOT ME. I MEAN SERIOUSLY. ANYONE.
	Yuma and Saya: <3333333333333333333333333
	Hisoka: I AM NOT JOKING. I'LL BUY YOU THE BULLETS.
	Tsuzuki: Ah, hot springs humor, the beloved staple of shoujo manga since time immemorial. WHO WANTS TO CHECK OUT MAH BOOTY?
	Watari and Tatsumi: MEEEEEEEEE I mean uh we're not gay at all and that's weird.
	Matsushita-sensei: The name of the game, kids, is PLAUSIBLE DENIABILITY.
	Watari: It's a shame Hisoka wouldn't join us. I was hoping to check out his booty as well
	Tsuzuki: Nah, he's too much of a little priss. You'd think some group naked time would cheer him right up from that thing with shooting the girl he liked in the head, but noooo.
	Saya and Yuma: LET US NOW COMMENCE LOUDLY TALKING ABOUT OUR BOOBS.
	Boys: ^_^ b
	Kattsue: SUDDENLY: talking animals.
	Tsuzuki: ...oh, so it's going to be that kind of a book.
	Hisoka: However, I have apparently missed the memo, because meanwhile WOOOOOE I SHALL BE SIXTEEN FOREVAAAAH.
	Saya and Yuma: Yeah, so basically, the talking animals are cool, we hang out.
	Talking Animals: Yeah, we kind of lost our Snow Queen. Wanna help us find her?
	Tatsumi: NO.
	Kattsue: We'll pay you.
	Tatsumi: YES.
	Yan-sensei: Hurray! Come on back to our ice castle for some totally pointless exposition on how our queen is awesome.
	Tsuzuki: And I get to play with squirrels and bake a pie!
	Hisoka: And I just want to make it clear at this point that I do not, in any way, shape, or form, have a gradually budding crush on you.
	Tsuzuki: Hey, girls, remember that time I gave you those HORRIBLE muffins to eat?
	Saya and Yuma: ...Yes! They were delicious and we definitely did not leave them here to eventually become an important plot point.
	Matsushita-sensei: And there's a whole bit with the fortune-telling cat and all here, but instead, let's just take a moment to mention... Ketto C, Viz? KETTO C? WHAT, YOU ILLITERATE FUCKS? CAIT SITH. JESUS, PLAY FUCKING FINAL FANTASY 7. ...WHICH I DEFINITELY DID NOT RIP OFF. ...LET'S MOVE ON.
	Hisoka: I'm scared of the dark. ...In a, uh, manly sort of way.
	Tsuzuki: Do you --
	Hisoka: NO STOP PATRONIZING ME I HATE YOU RARRRGH!
	Tsuzuki: ...okay, well how about I just TAKE AN ARROW FOR YOU, IS THAT ACCEPTABLE?!
	Hisoka: ...yes.
	King of Lake Mashu, or whatever the hell his name actually is in Japanese, I don't remember: YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN!
	Tsuzuki: NO! BITE HIM, SOHRYUU!
	Sohryuu: ...oh, this is just stupid.
	Hisoka: It sure is. Especially since the queen is right here, under this pile of snow that you just tripped over.
	Tsuzuki: ...LOOK, IS IT MY FAULT WHEN THE MANGAKA GETS BORED? IS IT?
	Snow Queen: Yeah, I sort of wandered off and then some HORRIBLE muffins I ate made me pass out. Sorry about that.
	Kattsue: Ha ha! What a wacky misunderstanding! You people get out of here before I call the cops.
	Matsushita-sensei: TEH END.
	Tsuzuki: I am bad at poetry games.
	Hisoka: What a surprise. So what's this I hear about a martial arts contest? Or "that thing," as you all have so charmingly nicknamed it apparently for the express purpose of alienating me.
	Watari: Oh, yeah! We do that every year to promote interdepartmental rivalry and ill will. Say, you could join, since you come from a family of martial artists despite being built like a pansy little bitch girl.
	Hisoka: ...don't touch me.
	Hisoka: In other news, MY FATHER NEVER LOVED MEEEEEEEEEEE -- say, that guy's good at archery!
	Terazuma: You... so you must be... you're with... HIM!!
	Hisoka: ...Jesus, Tsuzuki, how many exes do you have?
	Tatsumi: Just thought I'd drop in to mention that the chief hurt his back and we are thus short two members of our archery team, and to thank you two for volunteering. Ta!
	Tsuzuki: ...and the fact that I don't know thing fucking one about archery didn't make this seem like maybe a not good idea?
	Hisoka: It's all right, I'll coach you. First lesson: stop shooting me in the face, dipshit.
	Terazuma: So it's you... Tsuzuki.
	Tsuzuki: It is indeed me... Terazuma.
	Hisoka: Anytime you want to fill me in, really.
	Tsuzuki: Huh? Oh, that's Terazuma. He hates me because I'm powerful but lazy. Well, and he used to be a cop, so he kind of hates everybody.
	Kanawa Sisters: Yoo-hoo! We are the interchangeable girls against whom you'll be competing! Allow us to bolster your resolve with insults!
	Hisoka: Oh, that's very considerate of you. By which I mean DIE.
	Matsushita-sensei: w00t I get to draw my characters in hakama lol
	Count: No better way to start off an archery contest than with molesting, I always say!
	Wakaba: Hello! I'm Terazuma's partner, bound to him by his TERRIBLE SECRET. But my point is, good luck!
	Everybody: Shootin' arrows, la la la.
	Kanawa Sister: TOOOOOOOOUCH.
	Terazuma: HULK SMASH!
	Tsuzuki: Yup. He turns into a monster when a girl touches him, and Wakaba turns him back. Pretty terrible secret, huh?
	Hisoka: ...that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
	Gushoushin: Did we mention that this is also the ancient and sacred "truth or dare" variety of archery contest? Because IT'S TIME FOR TONGUE-KISSIN'!
	Hisoka: Ah, I stand corrected.
	Matsushita-sensei: ...I'd be ashamed of myself, but what would be the point?
	Terazuma: OKAY, FINE, I'LL JUST SMOOCH THE KID, HE LOOKS PRETTY MUCH LIKE A WOMAN ANYWAY. OH WAIT... CRAP... WOMAN! HULK SMASH.
	Hisoka: ...Okay, that's it. The next person to insinuate that I do not have a dick? Gets slapped with it.
	Everybody: Shootin' arrows, la la la.
	Tsuzuki: We're losing! This is all your fault for being a gynophobe!
	Terazuma: No, it's all your fault, for being a suck shot!
	Hisoka: Alas, I can no longer rely on my teammates... it is up to me to win the contest! But ALAS! My bow-string has snapped because those horrible bitches cut it! The pain! The woe! The cheating!
	Tatsumi: ...Did you ever send Kurosaki-kun that memo about this being the silly book?
	Watari: I thought you were going to do it!
	Tsuzuki: Aww, don't worry, Hisoka, me and my shoujo bubbles got this thing in the bag.
	Hisoka: ...totally do not have a crush on you.
	Tsuzuki: Aaaaaand... holy crap, we win! LOOK LOOK I DID GOOD!!
	Kanawa Sisters: Oh well, we'll just have to cheat more! Ho ho ho ho.
	Hisoka: ...so does anyone actually, like, enforce rules in this contest, or is it basically just Calvinball with arrows and humiliation?
	Matsushita-sensei: HEY LOOK OVER THERE THERE'S CATHOLICS!
	Tsuzuki: Why is it always right after lunch that we have the meetings where Tatsumi says phrases like "genitals had been burned with hot tongs?" Can anyone tell me why that is?
	Tatsumi: Furthermore, the murdered teenaged boy in question had some creepy 'lover for all eternity' babble branded into his back.
	Hisoka: So... the murderer is a woman?
	Tatsumi: No, the victim went to an all-boys' Catholic school.
	Tsuzuki: So... ... a woman somehow snuck into the all-boys' school?
	Tatsumi: Allow me to rephrase. GAY GAY GAY, HOMOSEXUAL, GAY.
	All: OH NOES!!!1
	Matsushita-sensei: Rhymes with "chasible three pie ability".
	Tsuzuki: Ooh, 'dress up like a Catholic priest' is my other favorite game! ...I mean, uh.
	Catholic schoolboys: OUR NEW PRIEST IS TEH HOTT!
	Hisoka: ...I neither confirm nor deny.
	Tsukiori: Could you guys maybe not discuss your homosexual crushes while you're actually in chapel? Just a suggestion.
	Tsuzuki: Waah, the Bible has so many tiny kanji! Can't we just use one of those weird evangelical ones that only has the New Testament and the Psalms? Oh, hey, church history teacher in need of a haircut.
	Mitani: AAAAAAH!
	Tsuzuki: AAAAAAH!
	Mitani: ...uh, nice to meet you! Hope you don't get poisoned like the last priest. WHOOPS
	Hisoka: So, out of curiosity, does anybody in this school ever do anything besides have gay sex? Like, I don't know, lacrosse, or something?
	Fujisawa: So you're the new kid, eh? You got a real purdy mouth.
	Hisoka: ...okay, do we have to revisit the whole dick-slapping concept?
	Hisoka: Break time! Allow me to review a lot of student body intrigue that will never really amount to anything.
	Tsuzuki: And allow me to totally undermine the plausible deniability by hitting on you!
	Hisoka: ...Once again, there's not really anything the author of this parody can do to top my DROPPING A GIANT CRUCIFIX ON YOUR HEAD.
	Tsuzuki: Insert 'if I had a nickel' joke here.
	Hisoka: Funny how the body was thrown into the ocean, considering how the ocean is very far away. Maybe we should be investigating the softball team.
	Mitani: It was disbanded in favor of the fellatio team six months ago. It might not be so bad if our mascot weren't the Dueling Cocks. Shouldn't you be inside where nobody can burn your genitals off?
	Hisoka: Oh, hey, professor, I was just wondering, is it true the student body president was killed by his male lover?
	Mitani: NO! NO! NO! A THOUSAND TIMES NO!! ONE MISTAKE AND A MAN IS MARKED FOR LIFE, WHY MUST YOU CONTINUE TO JUDGE AND JUDGE?!! I MEAN, GO TO BED.
	Fujisawa: MY FELLATIO IS PHOTOSHOPPEDE OUT YAY!!
	Mitani: Father! Someone killed this poor, innocent slut-boy! IT WASN'T ME, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
	Tsuzuki: ...I didn't say it w--
	Mitani: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?!
	Tsukiori: My deep dark secret is... I'M JEWISH!!
	Hisoka: Whoa, hey, SHABBAT SHALOM there, shana punim.
	Kira: Tsk tsk, using your powers against a mortal just because he's trying to stab you in the face. Hi, I'm Kira! I'm a demon exorcist! And by the way, NOTE MY DISTINCTLY FEMININE PRONOUNS.
	Hisoka: Wait a second... YOU'RE NOT JEWISH!!
	Mitani: I mean, really, when you think about it logically, what's so wrong with being gay? And as long as you're gay, what's wrong with seeing your young lover mutilate himself horribly? And poisoning a priest when he finds out what you've been up to? And then horribly mutilating another young lover when he finds out about the first one?
	Tsuzuki: ...I guess this would be that 'slippery slope' argument I keep hearing about.
	Kira: So basically, by killing that demon two books ago, Tsuzuki accidentally became some sort of demon prince, and now there's a demon running around this school trying to kill him so that it can be the demon prince. And maybe steal his stereo.
	Hisoka: NO! HIS STEREO IS MINE! I mean, uh, we should go help him.
	Dead Possessed Izuru: JUST THOUGHT I'D DROP IN
	Mitani: My beautiful young lover has returned from the dead to be with me! It's too bad he no longer has skin, but I'm willing to overlook that sort of thing for the sake of true love.
	Izuru: Awesome. You don't mind if I leave this pile of eyes and fangs and tentacles in your mouth, do you?
	Mitani: ...mprlgh.
	Tsuzuki: ...I'd like to be sensitive here, but EEEEEEEEEEEEEWWW.
	Hisoka: TSUZUKI ARE YOU OKAY?!
	Tsuzuki: Hey, I'm fine, I'm not the one who just got a DEMON FACIAL.
	Kira: DIE DEMON SCUM!
	Izuru: NO!
	Suzaku: DIE DEMON SCUM!
	Izuru: Well, okay.
	Mitani: X_X
	Tsuzuki: This is all my fault!!
	Hisoka: That's, uh, a unique interpretation of the text.
	Matsushita-sensei: Hey, at least he wasn't an ORGAN DONOR! Right?!
	Audience: ...
	Matsushita-sensei: ...Get it?!
	Audience: ...
	Matsushita-sensei: ...