Book 3

	Tsuzuki: Hello, and welcome to ... wait, it's the actual storyline! Crap!
	Konoe: Tsuzuki! Dead people are missing! People near death are suddenly living longer! Stuff is being smuggled from Hong Kong! Organ transplants are still evil! I'm developing a bunion! GO GET ON A BOAT!
	Tsuzuki: ...that sure is a boat.
	Gushoushin: Okay, not that 'two dumb dead guys' isn't a great disguise, but have some fake identities. Hisoka will be the young son of a wealthy corporation head, and Tsuzuki will be dealing blackjack, because I think it's hilarious.
	Tsuzuki: Ah, and I see you'll be playing the chicken Kiev.
	Hisoka: And... I have to go to a party. Do you know where they stuff the butter in chicken Kiev, incidentally?
	Gushoushin: Uh... ... here, have some wine!
	Tsuzuki: Aww, I wanted to go to the party. Guess I'll just have to try to sneak into the VIP area instead, leading to amusing antics. I can't speek English!
	Matsushita-sensei: Just one word about my lingual skills, you racist little bitches.
	Muraki: Ah, please calm down, gentlemen, it's just my mail-order butt-slut.
	Tsuzuki: ...'Butt-slut' to iu koto wa nani?
	Muraki: Tsuzuki-san! So nice to see you again! Good to see you can still take a wine-bottle to the head.
	Tsuzuki: Well, you know, if there's one thing I learned in college.
	Hisoka: Meanwhile: ARGH PEOPLE..
	Abiko: Hello! I am a medical student, which means I FEEL YOU UP IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE.
	Hisoka: I'm pretty sure that's not what it --
	Abiko: Say, did you notice the other passengers? There's Houjou Kanako, the popular actress, who's sleeping with Wakabayashi Shouzou, the politician, and the boat's owner, Kakyouin Takeshi. Almost exactly like the cast of an Agatha Christie mystery! Ha ha!
	Hisoka: Great, now I feel like crap and there's a plot. Good thing the Gushoushin's just the right size for kicking.
	Gushoushin: ...Here, have some more wine.
	Hisoka: I'd love to, except just before the mangaka can show underage drinking, AAAGH MURAKI IN MY BRAINS. And it seems to be coming off of this girl I just bumped into! How curious.
	Tsubaki-hime: Eep! Oh, hello. I'm the owner's daughter, but everyone calls me Tsubaki-hime!
	Hisoka: ...You're nicknamed after a prostitute from a Dumas novel? Boy, somebody really doesn't like you.
	Tsubaki-hime: Oh, no! It was my doctor, Muraki-sensei, who is kind and gentle and beautiful and loves puppies! WITNESS THE STARS IN MY GIGANTIC EYES. And incidentally, did I mention that his name is Muraki-sensei?
	Hisoka: ...
	Tsubaki-hime: MURAKI MURAKI MURAKIIIIIIIIIIII.
	Hisoka: Okay, we got it! Jesus!
	Tsuzuki: So, you're still alive, Muraki! How surprising! What are you planning this time?!
	Muraki: ...Here, have some wine.
	Tsuzuki: That joke wasn't even funny the first time! I'll never forgive you. You're mean, and you kill people, and, and, your dangerous allure is hardly even... dangerous... or... alluring!
	Muraki: Yeah, okay, whatever. I'm just on this boat to be the OWNER'S DAUGHTER'S DOCTOR, so --
	Tsuzuki: Your freaky eye is only mildly disturbing! YOU SMELL FUNNY ON TUESDAYS!
	Muraki: Look, will you shut up? I'm trying to give away the plot.
	Tsuzuki: ...oh. Well, carry on, then.
	Muraki: BY WHICH I MEAN HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!
	Tsuzuki: Oh, if I had a nickel for every time I've fallen for that one.
	Tsubaki-hime: Doctor, help! This nice boy just collapsed after I said your name ten or fifteen times! Could you examine him?
	Muraki: Well, hey, sure. Let's start by checking if it's something stuck up his --
	Hisoka: FEELING FINE NOW THANK YOU.
	Tsubaki-hime: You and my doctor know each other? He gets weird and sexually predatory around you? Something about him seems to make you violently angry? What's going on here?
	Hisoka: Uh... well... you see, it's...
	Tsubaki-hime: SMOOCH.
	Hisoka: O_O!
	Wakabayashi: You'd better let me cheat at the card tables, Kakyouin, or I'll tell everyone about... THAT THING!!
	Kakyouin: Oh no! Not... THAT THING!!
	Matsushita-sensei: SO VERY MYSTERIOUS.
	Kakyouin: Hmm, that's odd. Wakabayashi-san hasn't been answering his phone. And his door is locked. And about a dozen candles are missing. And someone's slipped a Tarot card under the door, in a serial-killer-like fashion.
	Tsubaki-hime: And it's the Ace of Wands, which traditionally means "murder by removal of the heart."
	Hisoka: That's funny, I thought it meant "beginning."
	Tsubaki-hime: Well, it only means it in certain positions, like, say, in front of a dead man who's had his heart ripped out. And by the way, AIIIGH.
	Muraki: Well, now that I've completed the autopsy, he died from an overdose of strychnine, followed by having his heart removed, followed by having his neck bitten, as if by a vampire, followed by being surrounded by candles and the door locked and a Tarot card slipped under the door.
	Kakyouin: So... do you think this was a murder?!
	Muraki: ...Anyway, as I was saying, it must have been one of us, since nobody else can get into the VIP level, which I personally think is only appropriate considering that we have a very nice gallery of rogues here and I can say with confidence that I feel pretty good about our locked-room mystery capabilities.
	Tsuzuki: HMM. I WONDER WHO DID IT.
	Muraki: Oh, sure, every time there's a murder, it's always blame the known serial killer. Well, the dumb girl is my alibi, so take that, you fucking bigots.
	Tsubaki-hime: Yes, he was with me all night! If you know what I mean.
	Hisoka: ...
	Tsubaki-hime: Speaking of uncomfortable silences, someone sent me a letter! It frightens me so I came to find some men to read it.
	Hisoka: Well, easy there, little lady, don't you worry your pretty little head.
	Letter: Beloved Tsubaki-hime, I give you one who loves you truly: a dead guy with no heart. Except he doesn't love you truly, I do. So much I'd like you to have this Tarot card as a token of my affections. It's useful for murder! Love, Your Secret Admirer Alternate Personality Serial Killer. P.S. I love what you've done with your hair!
	Muraki: I am wearing a tuxedo.
	Tsuzuki: HOLY CRAP!
	Muraki: So, want to have sex with me?
	Tsuzuki: No!
	Muraki: All right... then do you want to play poker with me, and if you lose, then have sex with me?
	Tsuzuki: Sure! ...Wait, I mean... oh, I always fall for gambling!
	Muraki: You fall for a lot. And since I win, I guess next you'll be falling for my dick. If you know what I mean.
	Tsuzuki: ...I'm not sure I do, actually.
	Hisoka: You know, if it weren't for that strict 'no pimping out your partner' clause in the Shinigami Code of Ethics, you'd have been in serious trouble there.
	Tsuzuki: Yeah, you wouldn't believe how many times that one's saved me.
	Hisoka: ...If I play poker with Muraki and win your ass back to safety, can we never, ever again mention that you said that?
	Tsuzuki: Sure!
	Muraki: Oh, hey, kiddo, how you doing? Been raped and murdered lately?
	Hisoka: Well, only once -- HEY! Shut up!
	Other Dealer: You know, not to distract you from the battle for your butt with a deus ex machina or anything, but you remind me of this other dealer we used to have, Eileen. She also had a head, and a torso.
	Tsuzuki: Whoa, she could be my twin. So what happened to her?
	Other Dealer: Well, she disappeared, much like all those other people from Hong Kong. And her name keeps showing up mysteriously on the passenger manifest. And her ghost is said to haunt these halls.
	Tsuzuki: Well, I'm sure that's not significant. And hey, yay, Hisoka beat Muraki! Let's order room service!
	Hisoka: Your life is denial, isn't it?
	Tsuzuki: And alcoholism.
	Tsubaki-hime: Uh, not to interrupt, guys, but my new best friend the serial killer dropped by again.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, no! Who could the next victim be?
	Muraki: X_X, biznitches.
	Letter: Blah blah, one who loves you truly, spring here, sakura blooming, poisoned an albino and put flowers on him. Have a pre-ripped Tarot card. Hope you are having a wonderful time, wish you were here. Love and kisses, The Person You Least Suspect.
	Hisoka: Muraki's ... dead? Well, uh, that kinda puts a crimp in my plans to kill him horribly. I guess. ...Eh, whatever, let's just do some recap.
	Tsuzuki: That would be a good idea, except AUUGH WE HAVE LOST CONTACT WITH HEADQUARTERS AND WE ARE GOING TO DIE OR WORSE NOT GET PAID.
	Houjou: Would this be a good time for me to drop by and casually plant the hint that I stole my former employer's bracelet? 'Cause I did.
	Matsushita-sensei: At this point I would like to intervene on behalf of the author of this parody to point out that in the English translation of this volume, Tsuzuki's response to this is "Oh, snap!" and that there is nothing she could possibly say here that would be nearly as fucking funny as that. Thank you.
	Tsubaki-hime: Muraki's death has left me heartbroken and grieving!
	Hisoka: Yeah, uh, well if it helps, he was a horrible person, and I hated his fucking guts.
	Tsubaki-hime: U SYMPATHIZIN': AWFUL.
	Tsubaki-hime: Oh, great, and now I've got another murder-letter. I'm sure more maimed corpses are just the sunshine I needed on this cloudy day.
	Letter: Beloved Tsubaki-hime: Your cheatin’ heart will make you weep. You’ll cry and cry and try to sleep. But sleep won’t come the whole night throo-oo-ough. Your cheatin’ heart will tell on you. Oh, yeah, and I killed some people for you and stuff. Have a nice day! Best wishes, Someone Who Is Definitely Not Eileen Or You Or Muraki.
	Konoe: Meanwhile, ARGH BLARGH RAR. ...oh, wait, they're stranded without communication. Tatsumi, you can fly a helicopter, right?
	Tatsumi: Like you have to ask?
	Hisoka: Hey, there's two cards in this letter. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that's not good.
	Kakyouin: Oh Iiiiii got no liiiiiiiiimbs and my moooooooouth is sewn shuuuuuuuuuuuuuut
	Tsubaki-hime: Jeez, Dad, even as a mangled corpse you are so embarrassing. I mean, I think I'll be fainting now.
	Muraki: Eyes... won't open. Leg... so very asleep. Need to urinate... ENORMOUS.
	Tsubaki-hime: Hey, want to come enjoy some horrible second-hand coma nightmares?
	Hisoka: Not really, that's okHEY QUIT IT OW. ...oh, great, and as an added bonus I get my own horrible coma nightmares. Goddammit! HANDS OFF MY GLOWING CONE!
	Muraki: I never molest without wearing my press-on nails.
	Tsuzuki: Ack, hey, Hisoka, you okay? You kinda freaked out, and then there was the whole boner issue, which I'm just not going to bring up.
	Hisoka: I'd appreciate that. Hey, and there was a microchip with clearly marked blueprints of the boat in the stolen bracelet! ...For some reason.
	Tsuzuki: Hisoka, how many times do I have to tell you, don't look a deus in the machina. I'll go check it out. And you can go check on Tsubaki-hime, wink wink, nudge nudge.
	Hisoka: ...Oh, yeah, because when a girl's father has been dismembered, that's when you really want to make your move.
	Tsuzuki: Bitch bitch bitch.
	Tsubaki-hime: So, just out of curiosity, why is it that you hated my doctor's fucking guts?
	Hisoka: Well, it's a funny story, actually. See, he murdered me slowly and horribly.
	Tsubaki-hime: That's not very funny. ...Oh, wait! Now I get it!
	Tsuzuki: Well, this is the spot that was marked on the map, but I don't see anything unusual. Unless you count the mysterious shadowy figure trying to choke me to death. Ha ha, got your eye!
	Eyeball: Clank.
	Tsuzuki: ...Eyeballs don't go 'clank'. Unless...
	Muraki: 6_^
	Tsuzuki: ... ...well, actually, I was going to say unless Viz can't translate sound effects worth shit, but now I am way too disturbed even to break the fourth wall.
	Hisoka: Meanwhile, I'll be stabbing myself in the hand to impress girls.
	Tsubaki-hime: ...Well, you win a hug for originality.
	Tsuzuki: Muraki! You're alive!!
	Muraki: And as full of gropin' and creepy obsessive babble as ever!
	Tsuzuki: ...I would be so much more turned on by this if your OPTIC NERVE WEREN'T DANGLING DOWN YOUR CHEEK.
	Muraki: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've heard that.
	Hisoka: So, Muraki's back, and you didn't find anything at all in the hold that was marked on the map.
	Tsuzuki: Except for this secret organ-harvesting back room, but I didn't think that was probably significant.
	Eileen: HAY GUYS GUESS WHO TEH MURDERER IS LOL.
	Tsuzuki and Hisoka: DAISHOKKU
	Eileen: Mine is a sad sad tale, of betrayed trust and the continuing evils of organ donation and hypnosis resulting in completely illogical alternate personalities, but there's nothing like pages of exposition to cheer me up again.
	Muraki: See, and I prefer shooting loud-mouth bitches in the back. Different strokes for different folks.
	Tsubaki-hime: Doctor! You're alive! And with all the remaining feeling in my limbs, I love you!
	Muraki: Oh, that's nice. By which I mean stupid. Bye now!
	Tsuzuki: RARGH.
	Hisoka: ...holy crap.
	Muraki: Whoops, almost forgot, I'm blowing up the ship! Good land, but I'm evil. Tra la la la la!
	Ship: SINKETY SINKETY SINK KER-SINK.
	Tsubaki-hime: Yeah, so basically, I love Muraki and not you. Shoot me in the head now?
	Hisoka: ...yeah, good plan.
	Tsuzuki: Well, I think it's safe to say that sucked.
	Hisoka: Like a three-dollar whore with a gravity well. And by the way, WAAAAAAAH I KILLED THE DUMB GIRL.
	Tsuzuki: Aww, there there, there's always homoeroticism.
	Hisoka: WELL, OKAY, I GUESS.
	Muraki: Curse you, camellia! You match nothing in my wardrobe!
	Camellia: When tears come down like falling rain, you'll toss around, and call my name. You'll walk the floor, the way I do... your cheatin' heaaaaaaaaaart will tell on you.