Book 2

	Tsuzuki: Hello, and welcome to another boring intro story that is not particularly relevant to anything. I swear there aren't that many more of these.
	Konoe: Stop being hung over and go work, you lazy bum.
	Tsuzuki: ZANIER BY THE MINUTE!
	Konoe: A woman in your jurisdiction should have died but didn't. Go kill her. Kurosaki-kun, can I trust you, as the competent one, to keep your partner in line with threats and verbal abuse?
	Hisoka: With enormous pleasure, sir.
	Tsuzuki: Are you sure we can't renegotiate the talking car?
	Tsuzuki: (I think I'll think about Hisoka now, in order to recap for those who have missed the subtleties of our relationship! He's a good partner, since he's so serious and driven to prove himself, but he can be hard to deal with, and very standoffish. He's not very friendly, and sometimes it makes me sad that he's so difficult to touch, and be close to. To break through the cold in those large, beautiful eyes, and the disdainful twist of his firm, rounded, supple -- )
	Hisoka: I CAN ALSO READ MINDS.
	Tsuzuki: ...Oh yeah.
	Hisae: OH NO YOU DI'N'T!
	Shiori: TALK TO THE HAND GIRLFRIEND.
	Tsuzuki: Well, this is certainly awkward.
	Hisae: Ack! You're my brother returned from the dead!
	Tsuzuki: No, I'm not..
	Hisae: Oh, then you're a salesman.
	Tsuzuki: No, I'm not.
	Hisae: Then you're a friend of my brother's from college who's visiting with his younger brother and is going to live here in my house and become my partner for the dance competition I'm stretching my illness-wracked life beyond its feeble limits to participate in.
	Tsuzuki: Yes, I am! I mean... wait... crap.
	Konoe: YOU ARE A MORON. Now, be careful not to develop any "special feelings" for this girl, like for example the kind of love that makes you become her waltz partner and make bargains to artificially extend her lifespan so that she can fulfill her dreams.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, like I'd do that. Oh, wait, I would.
	Ghost of Suoh: I don't hate my sister!
	Shiori: I... do hate his sister.
	Hisoka: I hate all of you.
	Tsuzuki: And all's well that ends with shoujo bubbles and the acceptance of mortality. Now let us never speak of this again.
	Matsushita-sensei: And they never did.
	Hijiri: Whee, look at me, I look exactly like Hisoka with dark hair! And a cornea transplant.
	Nurses: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
	Hijiri: ...Yeah, uh, anyway. Gosh, I sure do feel weird about having bits of somebody else's eye in mine. Can I at least, I dunno, send the donor a fruitcake or something?
	Doctor: Well, the funny thing about organ donation is, we usually like the person to be dead before we go carving his eyes out.
	Hijiri: Right. Maybe I could go assuage my guilt on his daughter, then! She's very small and I'm sure that just seeing her adorable little face would OH HOLY CRAP BEAR.
	Kazusa: Tee hee. Sorry, did Kazusa scare you, Hii-chan?
	Hijiri: No, no, it was only a very small coronary. Okay, how to put this... well, Kazusa, has anyone ever told you you have your father's eyes?
	Kazusa: ...
	Hijiri: ...
	Kazusa: So you play the violin, Hii-chan? So did Papa! How coincidental!
	Matsushita-sensei: Heh heh.
	Hijiri: You know, ever since I talked to Kazusa, I've been feeling kinda lousy. I guess I just feel guilty about how her father's dead and all and I have his eyeball. Or maybe, you know, I'm POSSESSED.
	Hijiri: Or it could be that I'm bleeding copiously from my eye. You know, you'd think post-op checkups would catch this sort of thing.
	Hijiri's Classmates: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
	Hijiri: Uh... okay, nice to see you too.
	Saionji: Say, look who's back from the hospital. If it isn't Maestro Suck. Come to instruct us all in sucking.
	Hijiri: Is there something you're trying to say, Saionji?
	Saionji: ... ... YOU SUCK!!!
	Hijiri: No, you suck.
	Saionji: Damn! Defeated again by your superior wit! I'll remember this!!
	Hijiri: Ha! Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do, loser? Set my violin on fire?
	Saionji: Well, now that you mention it.
	Hijiri: ...crap.
	Board of Directors: Saionji is rich and you are not. Therefore, he is innocent. Good day.
	Hijiri: WOE, I have lost my violin. TRAGEDEEEEEEE.
	Kazusa: Here, take my Papa's. It's evil.
	Hijiri: SWEET!
	Hijiri: Oh, hey, look, it's the main characters of the manga. GASP! That guy looks just like ME! That's much more surprising than my just nearly getting killed.
	Tsuzuki: Gosh, he sure does look an awful lot like you, doesn't he, Hisoka? Do you suppose you two are related somehow?
	Hisoka: No, I think the mangaka's just being a dork. Anyway, time for you to go pretend to be a school nurse.
	Tsuzuki: Ooh, I love that game.
	Hisoka: ...what?
	Tsuzuki: ...nothing.
	Teacher: Uh... okay, Hijiri, that was quite good, very nice technique, but just as a general side note, a lot of audiences will find maniacal laughter and blood-spattered spirals of doom a little bit distracting, okay?
	Hijiri: Ah, guess I'm possessed after all. Time to stab myself in the throat, then!
	Hijiri: Look, sakura! That must mean I'm dead! Er, one would assume, with the stabbing.
	Tsuzuki: Well, one would be wrong.
	Hijiri: ...huh?
	Hisoka: See, we're dead. You're not. But you're in the land of the dead, because we're trying to protect you from a demon that's sucking out your soul through your possessed violin and has a contract in your eyeball.
	Hijiri: ... ... huh?
	Tsuzuki: All right, so, Kazusa's father made a deal with a demon to become a really great violinist in exchange for giving the demon his daughter. The demon inscribed the contract on his left cornea, because demons are wacky like that. Then he died, and you got his cornea, so now the contract's been transferred to you, because demons also have very unorthodox inheritance laws like that. So now you're in grave danger, because the demon will try anything to make you dead so he can get Kazusa.
	Hijiri: Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. I said: HUH???
	Tsuzuki: Oh, just hush up and pretend it makes sense, will you?
	Hisoka: The point is, now we have to figure out who the demon is so we can find out his allergies and elemental weaknesses, and also protect you from the certain doom you're facing.
	Tsuzuki: But don't worry, it'll be fine! We'll protect you! Isn't that right, Hisoka?
	Hisoka: No.
	Tsuzuki: ...Well, how awkward. Guess I'll just make inappropriately sexual jokes about him while he's gone.
	Hisoka: 'GONE' BEING A RELATIVE TERM, AND BY THE WAY, YOU'RE DEAD.
	Hijiri: (It's strange... but somehow I feel so comfortable and at home with these people. Possibly because they're insane.)
	Students: Look, it's a big black dog! I'm sure it's not a demon in disguise.
	Hijiri: Aww, how cute. I think I'll take it home and play my evil, possessed violin for it.
	Saagatanasu: I do so love the stupid humans.
	Tsuzuki: We've found the name of the demon! It's... Hijiri's dog. Well, crap. Better set the violin on fire.
	Hijiri: Again? God damn it!
	Saagatanasu: ROAR.
	Tsuzuki: ...Holy crap. Heeere, kitty kitty.
	Byakko: Tsuzuki, that's really not the proper summoning spell -- oh, hey, giant demon.
	Tsuzuki: Yeah, it's a thing. Hey, quit biting me! OW!
	Saagatanasu: Chomp.
	Byakko: BLAM.
	Watari: Tsuzuki, you won! NOW I WILL RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND IT WILL BE FUNNY.
	Tsuzuki: Ah, but you're actually just looking to see if the demon possessed me when it bit me, right?
	Watari: Uh... yeah. Right. That's it.
	Hijiri: Oh, Tsuzuki! You risked your life saving me!! You don't mind if I have giant worried sparkly eyes at you now, do you?
	Tsuzuki: Oh, not a bit, trust me. But if you don't mind, I think I have to go take a reeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH HOLY CRAP I DIDN'T REALLY NEED A SHOULDER ANYWAY.
	Saagatanasu: Heeere's Johnny!
	Watari: It's times like this I wish I weren't, you know, incompetent.
	Hijiri: Whee, sightseeing! Gosh, it's too bad Tsuzuki couldn't come, as I wanted to have some more huge sparkly eyes at him.
	Hisoka: Well, you know, I'm sure he wanted to, but he said he was busy being possessed by a demon, which I interpreted to mean he still had some work to do.
	Tsuzuki: Good for choppin'.
	Tsuzuki: Hi, I'm back! Not with a meat cleaver.
	Hisoka: Hey, Tsuzuki, I was wondering something. I got the chief some salted fish, are you possessed by a demon?
	Tsuzuki: Yes! Wait, I mean... I mean NO! No, is what I meant.
	Hisoka: Right.
	Saagatanasu: Faster, pussycat, kill, kill!
	Tsuzuki: NO! Well, all right.
	Hisoka Hijiri: Demons are stupid.
	Saagatanasu Tsuzuki: Oh, we'll see about that! Say, you haven't, you know, repaid me yet. With, you know, your body. Your body that you use for, you know, sex.
	Hijiri: Okay, uh, BAD TOUCH.
	Tsuzuki: Well, here, have a meat cleaver in your shoulder, is that less inappropriately intimate?
	Hijiri: ...no.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, be quiet, you're dead. And now you're missing an eye! ...And now you have a happy-face carved in your abdomen just for the hell of it. 'Kay, contract's fulfilled, I WANTS MAH LITTLE GIRL.
	EnMaChou: Holy crap, Tsuzuki's shiki are attacking the building! And it's not even Mardi Gras this time!
	Tsuzuki: Look, Hijiri's dead, just give me the little girl and only three-quarters of you will die. ...Okay, 80%.
	Hisoka: Okay, first of all, Hijiri's not dead, SUCKER, and second of all, do you have any idea how much growing your eyeball back into its socket stings? ...well, probably a lot like this does. REIBAKU!!
	Tsuzuki: Hey. ...What is this supposed to be accomplishing?
	Hisoka: Damned if I know.
	Hijiri: Nooooooo! Don't do something useful, you might hurt him!!
	Hisoka: ...look, Hijiri, this is really not the time --
	Tsuzuki: BLAM.
	Hijiri: ...whoops.
	Tsuzuki: How does it feel to kill your partner with your OWN HANDS, Tsuzuki? MOO HOO HA HA HA HAAA.
	Hisoka: Uh, he didn't.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, god dammit. I'm going to be laughed out of the demon country club. "Hey, it's Mr. Can't Kill A Shinigami!", they'll say. "Say, have you not killed any shinigami lately?" And then they'll laugh, the bastards.
	Actual Tsuzuki: Waaaaaah, everyone hates me. Like, everyone ever. Seriously.
	Enma Hijiri: Not me!
	Tsuzuki: Wow, really?! I guess I'll kick that demon's bitch ass out, then!
	Saagatanasu: ...Well, that was unexpected. ACK HELP THAT'S THE SECOND TIME A TIGER'S EATEN ME THIS WEEK.
	Byakko: Mmm. Crunchy.
	Hijiri: Whee I'm being crushed by a pillar in the confusion! Wait, no, Kazusa's selflessly throwing herself on top of me and saving my life by giving up her own. Well, that's sort of depressing, isn't it.
	Kazusa: It's okay, Hii-chan! Now that I'm dead, I can be gay!
	Hijiri: ...I think I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
	Tsuzuki: I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
	Hijiri: Not to interrupt, but I came to say goodbye.
	Tsuzuki: Oh. Well... okay. Want a hug before you go? And possibly a surreptitious grope?
	Hijiri: Oh God, please.
	Tsuzuki: ...I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
	Hisoka: Yeah, you kinda do. But it's okay, we all still love you anyway. I mean, uh... other people do. Not me. Uh. ...Idiot!
	Tsuzuki: ...Wow, that was actually almost reassuring. Are you all right?
	Hisoka: I'm not hugging you.
	Hijiri: I shall play my best for my dead homies!
	Hijiri's Classmates: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
	Hijiri: ...Look, guys, I realize I'm cute, but maybe you should get a hobby or something.
	Hijiri's Classmates: Look, an anonymous bouquet of flowers! Who do you suppose it could be from?!
	Hijiri: Oh, it's cool, those are just from dead guys.
	Hijiri's Classmates: ...
	Hijiri: I mean... from bed... guys. ...LEAVE ME ALONE, CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING TO BE SPARKLY?
	Bouquet of Flowers: I am inanimate, yet touching.
	Matsushita-sensei: And they never did.