Book 1

	Tsuzuki: Hello, and welcome to a boring intro story that is not particularly relevant to anything. I am Tsuzuki Asato, your inexplicably utterly lovable hero. I'm dead and I work for the government and have zany adventures!
	Konoe: I'm Tsuzuki's boss. Go work, you lazy bum.
	Tsuzuki: Ha ha ha! Zany.
	Konoe: Also, take your new partner, Not Actually Appearing In This Manga-kun.
	Tsuzuki: Right then. Let's go help a teenaged girl to commit suicide, so I have something to angst over two or three books from now.
	Ayako: Hello, I am a teenaged girl who wants to commit suicide! My goodness, you look just like my cousin who killed himself saving me and thus destroyed my will to live! Are you him?
	Asuka: No. And by no, I mean yes. And by yes, I mean don't kill yourself, stupid.
	Ayako: ...Okay!
	Tsuzuki: Ah, I'm so glad I could help those crazy kids, even if it meant deliberately not doing my job.
	Konoe: Oh, Tsuzuki, you're such a warm-hearted, lovable, cuddly god of death. You're not getting a raise.
	Matsushita-sensei: As the mangaka, I wish to apologize sincerely for how lame that was. Now, on to the actual manga, which I promise will be more interesting, and contain gay.
	Audience: Damn straight.
	Maria: I'm dead!
	Konoe: Tsuzuki, go to Nagasaki. You see, the number of names on the death list is increasing, in a manner not regulated by the Castle of Candles, which usually determines the span of a person's life, which must mean an increase in abnormal deaths, which we've noticed is occurring in Nagasaki.
	Tsuzuki: ...that was a lot of exposition to tell me people are getting murdered.
	Konoe: Bring back cake.
	Gushoushin: Let's go, Tsuzuki! I'll be working with you until your new partner shows up.
	Tsuzuki: Ah, good, because nothing says 'inconspicuous' like a chicken with a laptop on its head.
	Gushoushin: Say, did you hear that the victims of these crimes were drained of their blood, as if by a vampire? How unscientific! Ha ha ha.
	Maria: Boom.
	Tsuzuki: What's this? I have a strange feeling about this girl! Too bad she ran away already.
	Gushoushin: Yet somehow managed to leave curiously blood-red lipstick on your collar, despite being like two feet shorter than you.
	NPC: Help! A person has been drained of all his blood, as if perhaps by a vampire!
	Tsuzuki: D'oh. That girl! She must be the key to this case! Let's run around like crazy people looking for her!
	Mysterious Shadowy Figure: Zap.
	Tsuzuki: Oh no! I've been paralyzed! Thus negating my running around like a crazy person powers! Could this day get any worse?
	Hisoka: I think we all saw this one coming.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, no, that little girl has a gun! ... ... oh, wait.
	Hisoka: I've caught you now, vampire!
	Tsuzuki: Hey, I'm not a vampire, don't use the special font color on me!
	Hisoka: Are too!
	Tsuzuki: Am not!
	Gushoushin: Oh, for God's sake. He's not a vampire, just a moron. And by the way, meet your new parter, Tsuzuki.
	Tsuzuki: ...well, shit.
	Tsuzuki: But, anyway! Let's put all that unpleasantness with the YOU POINTING A GUN AT MY HEAD behind us and have dinner. Say, aren't you a little young to be dead?
	Hisoka: Yes. Are you really a powerful elite shinigami?
	Tsuzuki: Uh, no. Want to work out our obvious personality conflict with a drinking contest which you will surely lose, having the body weight of a squirrel, so that I can then carry you to bed and thus maximize the growing sexual tension?
	Hisoka: Do I!
	Tsuzuki: Aw, he's cute when he's unconscious. Let's look through the classified file on him!
	Gushoushin: Says here he was actually murdered. Bet you feel like a dick now, huh?
	Tsuzuki: ... well, on that note, I think I'll see what's on TV.
	TV Announcer: And now, introducing Maria Wong, a famous singer who certainly never puts her hair down and goes out to suck people's blood!
	Tsuzuki: Ah, the Giant Obvious Clue Show, my favorite.
	Tsuzuki: Ha ha, you're hung over!
	Hisoka: I really hate you. Is there a reason we're at a TV studio?
	Tsuzuki: Yeah, the vampire is really a famous pop singer. Look, there she is! Notice how she's sort of a soulless reanimated corpse?
	Hisoka: Well, yeah, you just said she's a pop singer.
	Maria's Mother: YOU TWO! GET AWAY FROM MY SOULLESS REANIMATED CORPSE! I MEAN DAUGHTER!
	Tsuzuki: Well, crap.
	Maria's Mother: People seem to be getting suspicious! You have to do something, Dr. Mysterious Shadowy Figure!
	Mysterious Shadowy Figure: Well, all right, but first I have important fondling to do.
	Tsuzuki: So, for those of you who missed it, Maria's dead, and someone's making her corpse run around and bite people. And we're going to find out who! Come, surly teenaged sidekick!
	Hisoka: Just for that, I'm going to stand you up for a meeting.
	Tsuzuki: ...Why do you even bother giving me a partner? Why not just a dog, or a talking car?
	Konoe: You couldn't have homoerotic sexual tension with a talking car.
	Tsuzuki: You'd be surprised.
	Konoe: Get out of my office.
	Tsuzuki: ...Mmm, pie.
	NPC: A little girl has fainted, probably not due to a vampire, but you never can tell!
	Muraki: Stand back, I am a tall and handsome doctor.
	Tsuzuki: So you are! And so compelling, yet ominous!
	Muraki: You ain't seen nothing yet. Humans are so weak! You should be careful so you don't LOSE SOMETHING IMPORTANT. Check out my freak-eye!
	Tsuzuki: ...Well, as pickup lines go, that is original.
	Muraki: ^_^
	Hisoka: I'm sure 'Forbidden Secret Archive' is just a general suggestion.
	Tsuzuki: Well, somebody's a naughty teenaged sidekick.
	Hisoka's Mad Skillz: BLAM.
	Tsuzuki: Ow.
	Hisoka: DON'T TOUCH THE EMPATH.
	Tsuzuki: Well, so much for the sexual tension. Fine! I don't like you either! ...wah.
	Gushoushin: Hey, Tsuzuki, I wouldn't take it personally that your partner hates your guts. His parents kinda used to lock him in the basement for being a freak.
	Tsuzuki: What?! That's terrible! So terrible I have to have dramatic sakura blossoms and wind!
	Tsuzuki: And, also, use myself as bait.
	Maria: Why do I have to open Tsuzuki's shirt to suck his blood? Because the mangaka says so, that's why.
	Hisoka: Oh no! Tsuzuki's using himself as bait! I have to help him! ...Not that I care!
	Tsuzuki: Eat ancient incantations, suckah!
	Maria: ;_;
	Tsuzuki: Aww, there's a good soulless reanimated corpse.
	Maria: Thank you for restoring my autonomy of will, handsome trenchcoated man! My stepmother is mean and I don't like eating people.
	Tsuzuki: Here, shoujo sparkles will make you feel better.
	Maria's Mother: I told you, we don't want any!
	Tsuzuki: Oh, we'll see about that. Tell us who's been manipulating Maria!
	Maria's Mother: Why should I?
	Tsuzuki: Well, you see, this candle represents your life. And, this shoe... represents Maria. And, uh, this pitcher of water represents the guy who's been controlling Maria! So, if you don't want your shoes to be on fire, metaphorically speaking... wait, no, your shoes are on fire. So the only way to put them out is... uh... ... wait, no, I've got it. This chair represents bringing Maria back to life, and the shoe--
	Maria's Mother: Okay, okay, it was Dr. Muraki! Just shut up already!
	Maria: Sorry to interrupt, but your partner's sort of been splattered on the ceiling and then kidnapped by an albino.
	Tsuzuki: Man, if I had a nickel for every time that's happened...
	Muraki: So, do you like my newest work? I call it, 'Blood All Over The Ceiling,' or, 'You Suck, Tsuzuki, Here, Have A Horrible Guilt Trip.'
	Tsuzuki: Hmm, it's promising. The use of color is bold, and I think I also detect a hint of cubist influence. Can I have my dumb teenager back now?
	Muraki: No.
	Tsuzuki: Damn.
	Tsuzuki: Butterfly wings represent guilt and fear.
	Maria: This is all my fault!
	Tsuzuki: ...How do you figure?
	Maria: Because I have to take responsibility for everything so I can be cute and sympathetic!
	Tsuzuki: Hey, that's my shtick. Now let's go follow my birdy!
	Muraki: You know, my interior designer was just telling me last week, you can't go wrong with tied-up bleeding teenager. Say, remember when I raped and murdered you?
	Hisoka: No.
	Muraki: Well, now you do!
	Tsuzuki: Not to interrupt you traumatizing my partner, but stop traumatizing my partner.
	Muraki: Oh, hi, Tsuzuki! Welcome to a trap.
	Hisoka: What? Tsuzuki came... to save my life?! Man, it's hard to concentrate on being disbelieving and touched when I'm bleeding from my eyes.
	Muraki: I sure can't wait to fight you, Tsuzuki! Just as soon as I'm done wanking about my motivations.
	Tsuzuki: Didn't you tell me this already?
	Muraki: Hush.
	Maria: Oh, good, you're not dead! Now you can look at how cute I am.
	Hisoka: I would, except we're about to get blown up.
	Tsuzuki: That is, assuming I don't throw myself selflessly in front of you and get ripped open!
	Hisoka: Well, uh, I guess that works too.
	Muraki: Mwa ha ha ha ha! Insert creepy sexual predator villain babble about your perfect body here!
	Tsuzuki: Boy, it sure is a good thing you're an empath, Hisoka, so I can commune with you and combine our powers.
	Hisoka: And to think you were worried about the sexual tension.
	Muraki: Hiss! The power of friendship! My one true weakness! ...This calls for a dragon.
	Tsuzoka: I'll see your dragon and raise you a phoenix.
	Suzaku: Hellooooo!
	Muraki: HA HA HA HA HA HA splat.
	Tsuzuki: ...It wasn't that funny.
	Konoe: And now, for an aftermath scene. Maria's done being a soulless reanimated corpse, her mother had her head smooshed, and the future principal villain somehow escaped unscathed. So all's well that ends well.
	Tsuzuki: And all's even better that ends with foreshadowy angst! We are all vampires in our hearts, wooooe.
	Watari: So, I guess what with your hating your partner and the getting mashed into a pulp, you'll be quitting now, eh?
	Hisoka: You know, you'd think that...
	Tsuzuki: So, you're leaving? Fine! I don't like you either! ...wah.
	Hisoka: Well, before, I actually knew I'd been murdered and wanted to find out why, and now I know why, and I think I want to find Muraki again and possibly bite him. So, uh, do you mind if I stay your partner?
	Tsuzuki: Yes. You suck.
	Hisoka: ...
	Tsuzuki: Ha ha! Just kidding, be my partner.
	Hisoka: ...I really hate you.
	Tsuzuki: Oh, you say that now, but I bet in another seven books you'll love me enough to kill yourself.
	Hisoka: Hah! We'll see about THAT!